Pregnancy and infant loss is tragically common. Chances are, if miscarriage or stillbirth isn’t part of your personal story, this unique type of loss has impacted someone you love. I knew miscarriages happened, but it was not until I lost our first baby to miscarriage that my eyes were opened to the complex grief that ensues after a child you never met—yet deeply love—dies.
I’ve spent the last few years working with miscarriage and stillbirth moms in their healing journeys through Hope Again Collective, and pastoring couples who walk through this loss. Yet each time I hear of someone I love experiencing a miscarriage, I never feel completely prepared to respond. The temptation of saying or doing the wrong thing often causes a paralysis that leads to silence. But the most crucial thing I’ve learned when it comes to supporting someone during a miscarriage is this: don’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from saying or doing something.
When someone you love is going through a miscarriage, it is likely one of the hardest and loneliest experiences they’ll endure. Though different in context, perhaps one of the best examples of how a loss mom (a woman who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss) feels during the death of her baby is how Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane. In the garden, you’re vulnerable, desperately pleading for a miraculous intervention before God, and simultaneously wondering if he’s even listening. As time in this fragile garden progresses, it looks clear that this cup of suffering you asked God to take away is here to stay. Like Jesus, when I found myself in the garden of grief, I asked for two things—help from God, and help from those closest to me.
In Matthew 26, Jesus asks one simple task of his disciples: to keep watch for him while he prays and pleads before God. Not once or twice, but three times, Jesus returns to find his disciples sleeping, unable to do the one thing he needed most in his great time of need. Simply put, Jesus’ disciples did not understand their assignment. They were unable to wrap their hands around the weight of the needs Jesus had when he was in a state of anguish. They likely had no grasp of the desperation Jesus was carrying; this was not just another bump in the road of life. This was a time Jesus needed his support circle to come through and have his back. It’s important to note, the disciples don’t physically leave Jesus in his critical moment. They were there in the background, but their silence stung. And when you’re knee-deep in the anguish of loss, silence feels like salt in a very raw wound.
I surveyed 400 loss moms when I wrote Miscarried Hope and asked what level of support they felt after their baby died. Of the moms surveyed, 23% said their baby is rarely or never spoken about with family/friends, while 34% said they felt family/friends do their best to intentionally remember and honor their baby. However, the majority of loss moms (42%) said they felt initially supported, but wish family and friends would do more to remember their baby as time passes.
So how can you best come alongside a loss mom to provide support during her loss, and honor her baby’s life for years to come?
Here are 10 practical ways to care for a mom after her baby dies:
- If she has living children, offer to babysit a few hours during the day or for a date night. She’ll need time for self-care, to sit with God undistracted, and to have special time with her husband.
- Give her a meaningful gift to remember her baby (jewelry, a journal, a tree to plant, a candle).
- Pray for her regularly—specifically her healing, her hope, her marriage, and her relationship with God.
- Take something off her to-do list. (“I have some free time this week. Is there a day I could come clean your house, help with your laundry, or run an errand for you?”)
- Check in with her husband. Dads grieve too, and it means a lot to a loss mom to know her husband’s feelings are acknowledged and honored.
- In December, give her a Christmas ornament with her baby’s name on it.
- Send her a “thinking of you” card or text on Mother’s Day.
- Put the date of her baby’s death on your calendar and send her a card, text, or small gift on that day for years to come.
- Light a candle in memory of her baby on October 15 and send her a photo. (Bereaved parents across the world honor their babies on this day during “Wave of Light.”)
- Continue to check in and ask how she’s doing weeks and months after her baby has died.
Remember that the most precious gift you can offer a mom going through pregnancy or infant loss is the ministry of your presence. You don’t need perfect words, the right gift, or the ability to send home-cooked meals. Jesus brought none of these to Lazarus’ grieving sisters when he arrived after Lazarus had died. Instead, Jesus noted the tenderness of the moment, and responded with a simple yet profoundly meaningful act: he joined their weeping. Be encouraged, when it comes to supporting someone you love during a miscarriage, you don’t need to respond perfectly to let them know they are seen, safe, and loved by you.
Consider a few extra resources:
