Three habits for sibling conflict this summer

If you’re like me, then getting ready for summer means getting ready for the kids to be around each other constantly… and that means fighting. A lot!

But here’s the good news: The grace of Jesus means God is at work even in the mess of family conflict.

So instead of getting constantly frustrated with your kids’ conflicts, here are three strategies for seeing them as opportunities for spiritual formation.

1) Pause and Listen:
Our instinct is often to charge in at the slightest sound of conflict. This is totally understandable—we’re trained by the youngest years of children, when they can’t help themselves at all. But as our kids become older, one of the wisest things we can do is to start to give them the space to solve their own problems.

Now remember, this is a sliding scale. So when our kids are young, we’re going to have to intervene a lot, and often right away. But once they start to get a bit older—let’s say four and up—I have found it very useful to pause and simply listen.

Remember, part of growing older is learning how to negotiate, compromise, and persevere through conflict. And siblings are some of God’s best training ground for this. So while we absolutely want to intervene to make sure no one is getting bullied or hit, if we hear conflict that seems resolvable, part of a parent’s role is to be patient and give them space to solve it.

I have four boys, so this is a constant in our house. And sometimes I’ll come up and simply say, “I’m going to give you all three minutes. And when I come back, I want you to tell me how you resolved it—and it has to be a fair resolution, otherwise I’m taking this toy away.”

Often this dignifies them and allows them to work it out themselves.

2) Pause and Pray:
Another habit that has been tremendously helpful to me has been pausing to pray. This applies whether I’m intervening right away or not.

The problem with the constant fighting amongst siblings is that we develop instincts of reacting—and often these aren’t the best. So while we don’t want to snap at our kids the way we constantly do, we by habit fall into those responses. This is where you can’t think your way out of a problem you didn’t think your way into. You practiced your way there, so you have to practice your way out. Pausing to pray is one of the best practices for that.

So when I hear my kids fighting for the third time in ten minutes, what I often do (on the way up the stairs or crossing the room) is say a short prayer: “Lord, help me remember I’m more like them than not. May I be more like you in this moment.”

This prayer has been so helpful to me—first, because it’s short. You can pray it as you’re intervening. Second, it helps me have compassion. Often I need to remember that I too don’t like it when people take my stuff. I too don’t like being hit. So it helps me remember that their problems are very real to them, even when we think they are very solvable—just like I know Jesus understands my problems are very real to me, even though He knows they are very solvable. In general, it helps my compassion.

But finally, it helps me remember that I want to be like God in this moment. It helps me remember to bring the grace and truth of Jesus. I am the authority after all—I need to be truthful and not let misbehavior go unaddressed. But I want to do it with grace, the kind that I am so grateful Jesus gives me the many times a day that I mess up.

3) Pause to Reconcile:
Finally, a third habit that has been so helpful to our home is pausing to reconcile. That means that after conflict, we help our kids go through the steps of apologizing out loud while making eye contact. Forgiving out loud while making eye contact.

And while those are important and we emphasize them a lot, we also have a “liturgy of reconciliation” for our little ones that helps a lot. It’s called the “Brother’s Hug.” And that is: after they apologize and forgive, they have to hug and hold onto each other for as long as it takes for not one but both of them to start smiling.

I love this for our boys because often it turns into them tickling and wrestling and being friends again.

This isn’t always, and it’s best for little children (though it helps me and my wife a lot too!). But in general, it’s an embodied reminder that in the end, we are working to become friends again. And this mirrors the Christian story. God doesn’t just discipline us—though He does, because He loves us. But it doesn’t stop there. He reconciles us to Himself, drawing us back into His arms.

The mark of a Christian household is not that we don’t have conflict. It’s that we’re constantly working to apologize, forgive, and reconcile. Because that’s the way that Jesus has offered us. Habits can help with that, even in the mess of your household.

So try these out, and remember: while habits won’t change God’s love for you, God’s love for you should change your habits.

Consider a few extra resources:

• Dear Mattson’s video: How do I stop sibling rivalry?
• Helping our children love each other well
• Are your kids sick of each other?