Ellen Martin: Hard Conversations
Ellen Martin, author of A Life Shared: Meaningful Conversations with Our Kids, founded the ministry, A Life Shared, to empower, equip, and encourage others in their walk with Jesus. With illustrative vision, practical tools, and space to respond, Ellen offers a diverse, unique speaking ministry. As a life coach, she joins others to facilitate good work in their own lives. Twice graduate of Asbury Theological Seminary, Masters of Art in Christian Education and Master of Divinity, Ellen lives with her husband and five sons in Kentucky.
What conversations are you having with your kids? There’s a difference between what you tell your kids and what you actually share, like what you would do with a peer in a conversation.
Real conversation is just sharing life with one another. It’s talking about things that interest you, things you love, and things that matter to you. Try to find that place with your children.
Think of the way Jesus discipled – it was by telling stories in the context of what the people he was talking to would understand and relate to, not by just telling them what to think.
Hard conversations are conversations that no one wants to have. They are the awkward conversations, ones that we want to put off or evade, but you know deep down you’ll have to face them somehow. Sometimes, you just don’t know how to answer the question.
Be mindful that while you may have a lot of emotional baggage attached to certain topics, a child might just simply be asking an honest question. For them, it may not be loaded with emotion.
There are a few tools that you can use to tackle difficult conversations with your kids:
- Be honest. It may seem obvious, but it is very important. As parents it’s really easy and sometimes more convenient for us to be evasive. Being honest might mean having to share a hard reality with your kids. If you think the topic is too heavy for them at the moment, be honest about it. Tell your kids it’s not something you think you they are ready for now, but when the time comes, you will talk about it.
- Keep it simple. Answer as briefly and succinctly as you can. Kids are pretty straightforward and you should be too. If they need to know more, they will ask more. This will also help them engage more in a good conversation.
- Use terms that make sense to them. Try to see things from their perspective. Instead of assuming, ask your kids what they mean by the question they are asking. Turn the question into a meaningful conversation and you’ll really understand where they are coming from.
- Present the facts. The facts are not burdened by emotional baggage or external motivation. You can present the facts then discuss how they make you feel, but don’t assign feelings to other people because you don’t know. Also make sure that you don’t speak for others. Only present the things you know for a fact.
Be honoring, not just honest. In all your conversations, be motivated and led by love. Create a safe space for your kids to come to you with anything that is on their minds.
Survival Guide: Spiritual Disciplines with Hunter Wheatcraft
Spiritual disciplines are the practices we need to do regularly to have a healthy spiritual life. These include prayer, reading the Bible, and being engaged in the church community, among others.
Instilling these disciplines in younger children can be challenging because they are still developing their relationship with Jesus at the same time. But, just the act of planting these gospel seeds and building these habits that they will carry on into adulthood is valuable.
Today’s culture of instant gratification, it might be hard to think of the process of developing discipline. But, strengthen your and your kids’ spiritual muscles is a long-term endeavor.
Remember, what you feed will grow, what you starve will die.
If your children are having a difficult time growing their relationship with Jesus, try examining what they are feeding their spiritual life with. What music are they listening to? What shows do they watch? Who do they follow on social media? If they are starving themselves spiritually, you shouldn’t expect that they will have a hunger for the things of God.
There are so many ways to strengthen that relationship with God and you can approach it different ways, depending on the interests of your child. Whether they are into music, art, or sports, you can incorporate worship and service into it.
To incorporate spiritual disciplines in your life, go about it the same way you would develop any other good habit.
Pair something new and maybe challenging, like daily bible reading, with something pleasurable, like having hot chocolate or coffee with it.
Start small. Instead of starting your kids with the longest prayers, pick something short, something that will hold their attention. Keep doing this as you build their spiritual muscles and develop the craving for these good spiritual habits. Eventually, the routine itself will become the reward.
Survival Guide: Wise Choices
Bradley McCallister is an adoptive and foster parent to four special needs children along with his wife Brittany. They both have their Master’s Degrees in Christian Counseling from Philadelphia College of the Bible and have served as foster and adoptive family therapists. Together Bradley and Brittany run Redirected Wood Company, specializing in creating beautiful custom furniture out of reclaimed lumber.
Discipline can get tricky and frustrating, especially with strong-willed kids for whom consequences are not enough to change behavior.
Bradley suggests taking a different route: be preemptive in preventing the behavior you don’t want to see.
For example, if you know you have to focus your time on one child or on work, and will not be able to attend to another child, give that child activities to do that will occupy their time.
Sometimes, to prove that you are in control, you have to share control. By giving the child activities to do, you are giving a semblance of freedom within parameters that you set.
A little reverse psychology also works. Instead of constantly pointing out the negative things that your child does, try praising and rewarding the good behaviors that you notice them doing. This motivates them to behave well.
According to Bradley, if you reinforce the behavior quickly – within three seconds – the child is more likely to learn and retain that lesson on positive consequences. Use cereal, pennies, or beans in a jar to help them visualize the reward.
Another important thing to note is how you behave in front of your children. Learn to apologize when you’ve blown your behavior. It helps show them the right thing to do when anyone, young or old, makes a mistake.
On the other side of doling out discipline, don’t forget at the end of the day to go to your child and reinforce in them that you love them and they are good and you value them, even if they may have behaved badly.
Survival Guide: Others First
It may seem counterintuitive, but considering others before yourself may be the best survival strategy there is and something important to instill in your children.
Think back to when you were younger. We all have experiences of being too afraid to stand up for kids being bullied. Sometimes we’re not mean, but we wouldn’t put ourselves out there for people we can’t gain from. Talking with your kids about it in the first person, based on examples from your own life, makes it very relatable.
We naturally put a lot of effort into self preservation.
- We associate based on perceived status. If someone has money, looks, connections, and we think associating with them is going to get us ahead, we tend to overlook major character issues in their life and major warning signs. We want to associate ourselves with them whether they are of quality character or not.
- We distance ourselves from potential threats – not just people who will directly hurt or harm us, but also people who by association will get us laughed at or made fun of. They may be good people, but we will not come to their defense publicly.
- We make the mistake of self-promotion instead of genuine self-sacrifice. In our social media obsessed world, we tend to post our good deeds online. Will you still do good deeds even if no one knows about them?
If it’s just a matter of evolution, survival of the fittest, this would work. However, our faith in the teachings of Jesus commands us to do the opposite – to not self-preserve, but to look out for those around us, to count out others more significant than ourselves. Life others up, humble yourself, because God will lift you up.
If your faith is true:
- Be united in your outlook.
- Be others-first in your actions.
- Be Christian in your attitudes. Model how Jesus put others before him.
Teach your kids to think about what they are doing and how it affects others. In your own house, leaving dishes in the sink, leaving toys out, leaving your chores undone are examples of not considering others. It’s not just laziness, but selfishness, but not thinking of the other person. Point your children towards Christ. One of the ways you show that you belong to Jesus is by being considerate and thinking of others more than yourself.
Character is revealed not by what we do when everybody’s looking, not by what we do when there’s rewards, not by what we do when we’re going to advance because of it, but by what you do to the people from whom you have nothing to gain.
It’s a simple concept, but one that is so powerful that it will transform your life and the life of your children. Giving your life away is the greatest survival strategy that you could possibly have.
Survival Guide: Meaningful Friendships
One major core principle your children should possess is knowing how to make meaningful friendships. Help them understand that our friends determine the direction and quality of our lives.
We naturally walk, talk, dress, and think like the people we are with most often. Sometimes it’s healthy to step back and get some perspective. Ask your kids to reflect on the question: Do I like the composite of who they are becoming? Because that’s who I’m becoming.
Finding a church community that is vibrant and really supports your child could light their life on fire. Without spiritual friendships, you’ll realize how lonely it could be.
As it says in the Bible, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
Talk to your children about the warning signs of people they may want to avoid. MADGAS, inspired by Proverbs 20, is an acronym that helps identify toxic friendships and relationships that can end up ruining your child’s life.
- Manipulator – These are people who are good at getting you to do what you shouldn’t and don’t want to do by guilting or shaming you. As parents, also make sure that you’re not being a manipulator to your child.
- Addict – Addiction destroys humanity. It destroys those who might have once been caring, loving, and generous. Addicts become incredibly self-centered and other become commodities to them. Continue to have conversations with your children about substance abuse in terms of the destructive outcomes it can bring about.
- Deceiver – These are the liars, those who are not trustworthy. Help your children understand that if they will lie to other people, they will probably lie to you. Lying breaks relationships.
- Gossip – There are people who feel better about themselves by tearing everybody down. If they gossip with you, they will gossip about you. As a parent, make sure that you aren’t gossiping in front of your child as well.
- Arguer – The arguer is more concerned with appearing right than they are the people around them. They are a big drain on energy.
- Slug – People who have a poor work ethic and just sit around and wait for everybody to serve them. Be mindful if you are carrying the load in the relationship.
Avoid MADGAS and avoid being them as well.
If your child identifies these toxic relationships among their friends, there are two things they can do:
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Diversify. You don’t need to be around the same people all the time.
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Dilute. Add new people to your friendship group to change the dynamic of the group.
On the other hand, JETPACKs will launch you and uplift you. This stands for people who are: Joyful, Encourager, Trustworthy, Peacemaker, Active, Christ-centered, Kingdom-minded.
Encourage your children to be the kind of friend that they want. Be a blessing to others.
How to Disciple Your Children
The concept of discipling our children can sound very intimidating. There’s no end to the volumes of books and programs that have been created to help us make disciples. But sometimes all the books and programs bring confusion rather than clarity.
As I think through the discipleship of my own children, I begin to think of how Jesus made disciples. My brainstorm quickly grew to a list of 25 ways that Jesus made disciples. Ironically, the larger the list grew, the more encouraged I was. I want to share it with you, because it will help you realize that
- You are in a better position to disciple your children than anyone else in the world.
- You’re already doing most of the things Jesus did to make disciples.
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If you’d like help with changing the conversations in your household, text the word THINGS to 66866 to get a copy of my Fun Family Conversations Ebook!
As promised on this podcast episode, here’s my list of 25 ways that Jesus made disciples:
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Spend a lot of time with them over several years
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Slept in the same places where they sleep
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Ate with them
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Let them see His personal walk with God
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Went to celebrations with them
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Went on walks with them
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Told them stories
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Worked and played together
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Encouraged them when they did well
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Confronted them when they were going the wrong way
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Showed patience with them when they just weren’t strong enough
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Showed weakness in front of them and let them help him
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Asked them a lot of questions
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Gave them tasks that were beyond anything they had done to that point
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Went to religious meetings with them
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Read scripture with them and discussed its meaning
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Served other people with them
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Talked about the things of God in informal times
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Showed them how to do things
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Let them do things that He was better at than them
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Showed his full range of emotions around them
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Prayed for and with them
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Laid down His life for them
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Preached the gospel to them
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Empowered them to carry the word and work of God into the world
Look at that list. You’re already doing many of these! And it wouldn’t take much effort to add some of the others. Discipleship is Life on Life. Keep on discipling your children, and take joy in the journey!
Single Parenting with Grit and Grace
Bringing up your children with a partner is difficult enough, but single parenting poses unique challenges that can be overcome with a little help from your community.
Single mom Marissa Morris shares that, as she raises her son, she is acutely aware that the relationship between a husband and wife which is symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the Church is missing in her home. Still, she trusts that the Lord will equip her to fill in the gaps for her son and that He will provide godly men in her child’s life that will mentor him and show him what it means to be a godly man living with integrity and grace.
As a single parent, you have to do everything – caring for your child, household duties, work. But, Marissa says it is vital to spend time with the Lord no matter how busy she is in a day. “I can’t be a parent that the Lord called me to be unless I’m actually spending time with the Lord.”
Carve out time to fill your well up spending personal time with the Lord and make sure your children see that you are doing it. It’s not just something you do when you’re alone or your children are asleep. Our children need to see that the most important relationship we have is with the Lord.
As a single parent, community is important. In Marissa’s experience, it helps to be actively involved in her faith community. They were the ones who walked her through good times and bad – from struggling with forgiveness and grace after giving birth, to being a huge support with advice as she raises her child.
Involving yourself in classes and group activities might mean an investment of time and resources, but the future dividends will be far beyond what you spend for it. Being involved in a strong church community gives you the mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters that your child needs.
Being a single parent doesn’t mean you have to raise your children alone. More than ever you need the family of God supporting you and your children.
Filling Your Day With What's Most Important
At the beginning of each year, we love making resolutions and plans. I’m a heavy planner myself, but, as time goes by, I’ve realized that most of my plans don’t come true, largely due to the many things that happen that are out of our control.
However, there are several things that ARE in your control. There are small but significant things that if you put yourself towards them, you can say you gave it your best.
When I do everything in my control, I can say to myself at the end of the day: “I cannot control the outcomes, but as far as inputs go, I feel like I honored the Lord with how I did my day.”
Take some time to reflect on the little things that you can do each day. What are the key things that you want to include in your day that at the end of the day you can say it was a good day, you gave it your best, you did the right things.
Start incorporating these things into your daily routine by trying habit stacking. Take note of things that are automatic to you: eating at the same time; taking the same route to work; your morning routine. Then, add a new habit that you want to develop to your routine, creating a chain reaction of habits.
For example, I’ve been able to establish the routine of waking up early everyday. I can then stack it with my prayer time. I drink coffee early in the morning everyday. I can stack reading the Word for the day on to that.
Habit stacking eliminates the effort of developing new habits separately. One habit dominoes into the other.
Keep up new habits by doing habit tracking. List down the habits you want to form and check off each time you’re able to fulfill them.
These principles and strategies can help shape your days in a way that ultimately shapes your character and your destiny.
Remember, when you sow a thought, you begin an action and when you sow an action, you start to begin developing a habit. When you sow a habit, you reap character in the long run.
You really have the opportunity to set yourself up for a year of thriving.