Let's Parent on Purpose

February 23, 2020

Ep. 162 : Ellen Martin: Hard Conversations

Ellen Martin, author of A Life Shared: Meaningful Conversations with Our Kids, founded the ministry, A Life Shared, to empower, equip, and encourage others in their walk with Jesus. With illustrative vision, practical tools, and space to respond, Ellen offers a diverse, unique speaking ministry. As a life coach, she joins others to facilitate good work in their own lives. Twice graduate of Asbury Theological Seminary, Masters of Art in Christian Education and Master of Divinity, Ellen lives with her husband and five sons in Kentucky.

What conversations are you having with your kids? There’s a difference between what you tell your kids and what you actually share, like what you would do with a peer in a conversation.

Real conversation is just sharing life with one another. It’s talking about things that interest you, things you love, and things that matter to you. Try to find that place with your children.

Think of the way Jesus discipled – it was by telling stories in the context of what the people he was talking to would understand and relate to, not by just telling them what to think.

Hard conversations are conversations that no one wants to have. They are the awkward conversations, ones that we want to put off or evade, but you know deep down you’ll have to face them somehow. Sometimes, you just don’t know how to answer the question.

Be mindful that while you may have a lot of emotional baggage attached to certain topics, a child might just simply be asking an honest question. For them, it may not be loaded with emotion.

There are a few tools that you can use to tackle difficult conversations with your kids:

1. Be honest. It may seem obvious, but it is very important. As parents it’s really easy and sometimes more convenient for us to be evasive. Being honest might mean having to share a hard reality with your kids. If you think the topic is too heavy for them at the moment, be honest about it. Tell your kids it’s not something you think you they are ready for now, but when the time comes, you will talk about it.
2. Keep it simple. Answer as briefly and succinctly as you can. Kids are pretty straightforward and you should be too. If they need to know more, they will ask more. This will also help them engage more in a good conversation.
3.  Use terms that make sense to them. Try to see things from their perspective. Instead of assuming, ask your kids what they mean by the question they are asking. Turn the question into a meaningful conversation and you’ll really understand where they are coming from.
4. Present the facts. The facts are not burdened by emotional baggage or external motivation. You can present the facts then discuss how they make you feel, but don’t assign feelings to other people because you don’t know. Also make sure that you don’t speak for others. Only present the things you know for a fact.

Be honoring, not just honest. In all your conversations, be motivated and led by love. Create a safe space for your kids to come to you with anything that is on their minds.