Tending your soul with Jim O'Neill
In a world of unrelenting demands, it can be very easy to spend all of our focus on work and the needs of our children. This laser focus can come at the cost of our own spiritual health, which will then damage every other area of our life. My guest today has spent decades observing the effects of spiritual neglect on the mission field as well as home front. One of his central life callings has been to help those serving in full time ministry tend to the nurturing of their own souls. I'm excited to share with you today a brilliant man whom I also call friend, Dr. Jim O'Neill.
Jim O'Neill serves as Director of Mobilization and Leadership Development at Frontier Ventures. Additionally, he and his wife Sterling are the founders of the Next Gen Leaders Conference.
Jim and and his wife Sterling have been married for over 38 years. They have 4 grown children, 3 son-in-laws and 4 grandkids. Jim hails from Pennsylvania and Sterling from SC. They met in college in VA. where both were called to missions. Serving together, they each come with 13 years of church planting experience in Asia, 13 years in leadership with two mission organizations, and 8 years ministering in formal theological education and equipping.
Because of their passion about multiplying and nurturing leaders, Jim and Sterling founded the Net Gen Leaders Conference. You can find out more at nextgenleader.net or email them at [email protected] and/or [email protected].
I've got big news
Let's Parent on Purpose was birthed out of my burden to reach families in my local church. As a 20+ year student and family pastor, I realize that my influence pales in comparison to mom and dad. As I continue to pastor teenagers and shepherd children, every day I feel more convicted to pour into their parents. And while the podcast is focused on parents, the topics range from parenting to marriage to our personal spiritual walks. You just can't parent well if you're neglecting your marriage or relationship with Christ.
Parenting is really hard, and at every point we are encountering something else with which we are novices. I have loved hosting this podcast because the topics and guest sharpen me.
Now, by joining the Christian Parenting Podcast network LPOP is part of an even stronger parental support family, able to help more parents across the world with podcasts that directly deal with their parental, marriage, and spiritual needs.
As a biological and adoptive father of four, I have experienced such a wide range of challenges, emotions, failures, and victories. I've celebrated my newly adult daughter graduating high school with her Associates. I've also held her in my arms as a little girl and told her that Jesus took her mother to heaven. I've taken my boys on mission trips, and I've also begged God to spare my son's life as we learned he had leukemia. I've made my wedding vows, preached my wife's funeral, and then been graced with an amazing woman I've called my bride for more than 13 years now.
Through all of this, I've served in the church, been carried by the church, and known without a doubt that my family would not have made it without the support of Jesus through the love of the church. I know what it's like to feel lonely and helpless as a parent, and I know what it's like to feel loved and helped. Let's Parent on Purpose is a way for me to encourage moms and dads who are walking through their own unique parenting journey with Jesus.
We are better together, and there's nothing in this world that's a better investment of your time and energy than the treasures God has gifted you in your household!
Leadership Development at Home with Virgil Tanner
Virgil Tanner has been married for 20 years and is a father of four. He has lived on three continents and currently oversees strategy and global operations for a non-profit with hundreds of staff scattered all over the world.
Virgil says, we have to “trigger-proof” our kids. You have to raise a child that can have bad things happen to them or people say mean things to them, and they are mature enough to walk away and be alright. If they are too easily triggered, they can’t become adults or effective leaders in the world today. Cultivate a thick skin and a soft heart.
Equip your children with the emotional vocabulary they need to express themselves and they can identify what’s going on with others and are able to address these with words, not by physically lashing out.
Develop young leaders with the 70-20-10 rule. Successful development is comprised of 70% experiences reflected upon; 20% guidance and input from other people like mentors, parents, friends; 10% content from books, videos, courses and other materials.
Our children will learn more from actual experience than from what other people say and from learning materials they can study. Talking to people about their experiences and giving them materials in support of their experiences can help double or triple their learning.
Your kids lives are full of experiences. Address difficult incidents in your child’s life and turn them into a learning experience with these questions: What? So what? Now what?
What. What happened?
So What. What was significant about it? How are you going to think about it?
Now What. What will you do next time you are in a situation like that?
As you have the conversation, notice the facts – what are the details of what happened? Discuss how these made you child feel. Finally, notice their contribution to the situation.
This focuses their attention on their locus of control. You and your child cannot control what will happen to them in the future, but they can change how they will act in any given situation.
These make for a magic conversation that will help make each experience a teachable moment for developing leaders.
You can't child-proof the world, so you have to build adults.
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Should I Send My Child Back to School This Fall?
Any other year, this would have been a given, but this year, sending your kids back to school is something you have to ponder on. Here are some points to consider:
- This is a difficult decision, but not a Gospel decision, so don’t stress out about it too much.
- There’s no decision without consequences in this situation. Either way, there are both positives and negatives a no one really knows how these will play out. Realize that the unknown just the nature of parenting – and you do this all the time!
- The decision that you make is not necessarily the best for others, and vice versa. Even between the different children you have could need a different set-up each. Remember that education is flexible and children are resilient.
- Go with the assumption that students and teacher will not be able to completely social distance.
- Be open to the idea that circumstances may change you decision. Even if you end up sending your child to school, know that you might still end up homeschooling. Come up with creative solutions to this, just in case!
Assess your family’s own situation and the needs of each individual child. In this time, be supportive and encouraging to your family, but also to teachers and administrators who are doing their best. Walk in grace with yourselves and with one another.
When Your Discipline Method is Not Working with Bradley McCallister
Bradley McCallister is an adoptive and foster parent to four special needs children along with his wife Brittany. They both have their Master’s Degrees in Christian Counseling from Philadelphia College of the Bible and have served as foster and adoptive family therapists. Together Bradley and Brittany run Redirected Wood Company, specializing in creating beautiful custom furniture out of reclaimed lumber.
Discipline can get tricky and frustrating, especially with strong-willed kids for whom consequences are not enough to change behavior.
Bradley suggests taking a different route: be preemptive in preventing the behavior you don’t want to see.
For example, if you know you have to focus your time on one child or on work, and will not be able to attend to another child, give that child activities to do that will occupy their time.
Sometimes, to prove that you are in control, you have to share control. By giving the child activities to do, you are giving a semblance of freedom within parameters that you set.
A little reverse psychology also works. Instead of constantly pointing out the negative things that your child does, try praising and rewarding the good behaviors that you notice them doing. This motivates them to behave well.
According to Bradley, if you reinforce the behavior quickly – within three seconds – the child is more likely to learn and retain that lesson on positive consequences. Use cereal, pennies, or beans in a jar to help them visualize the reward.
Another important thing to note is how you behave in front of your children. Learn to apologize when you’ve blown your behavior. It helps show them the right thing to do when anyone, young or old, makes a mistake.
On the other side of doling out discipline, don’t forget at the end of the day to go to your child and reinforce in them that you love them and they are good and you value them, even if they may have behaved badly.
Parenting is Not Finished at 18 with Brooklyn Holland
This week, we got to celebrate the 18th birthday of my oldest daughter Brooklyn.
In her childhood she’s walked through the death of a parent, cancer of her brother, and the loss of several foster children coming and going from home. Additionally, she’s had all of the other normal worries and challenges of a child growing up.
As she grew up, Brooklyn took all of these challenges in stride. But, she also dealt with her own insecurities. As a parent, it’s debilitating and frustrating to think there’s nothing more we can do to help our child other than foster a household with unconditional love.
Starting work was one of Brooklyn’s pivotal moments in her life because it reinforced her capability to do things well, and gave her the opportunity to meet new people. She discovered who she was.
Though she’s 18, she has the wisdom to know that she is still working on growing in some aspects of her life, such as spirituality… as well as practical little responsibilities that come with adulting.
Fellow parents, don’t panic! 18 isn’t a finish line for raising your children. Being able to realize that really eases some of the pressure of parenthood. Even at my age, I still consult my parents when I need to make big, important decisions.
Affirm with your young adult children that you recognize them as adults, that they are capable of taking on more responsibility, but also, there is no expectation that they know how to do everything right at this point. And you as a parent will still be there to coach, guide, and warn – but not control.
My Non-Expert Opinion
There are no parenting experts. There can’t be. Humans are all different and what is effective in one family may not necessarily work for others. With this in mind, release yourself from any rigid guidelines of any particular person, way, or path of parenting.
Your parenting style has to keep on changing and adapting. Just because you know how to handle one child well, it doesn’t mean the same strategies will work with your other children. We are just constantly trying to do what’s best for each of our children.
There are no parenting experts. But, there are wise people. Do the best you can to surround yourself with wise and experienced people.
Remember that whatever you are going through in your household, there is an infinitesimally small chance that you are the first person to go through this. While you may be going through a unique combination of situations, you are never alone. There are always wise and experienced people who have walked through trials and you can turn to them.
Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask questions if you see people you know succeeding in their family management. Chances are, the people you ask will be happy to share their best practices. Asking questions is one major way that you can approach expertise in parenting.
Here’s my advice for any mom and dad:
- There are no parenting experts, we’re all in process. You aren’t a parenting expert and there’s nobody that thinks you are or expects you to be.
- Comparison is a killer. Let’s free ourselves from the sinful trap of comparison. It’s a joy killer. Don’t compare your family and your children to other’s. You’re comparing their best to your reality and it’s not fair to you. Even the heroes of faith in the Bible made their own parenting mistakes.
- You must preach the gospel to yourself in regards to your parenting. The gospel is the reminder that we need God’s grace day to day. You’re not just saved by the gospel, you’re sustained by the gospel.
The Principle of the Path
The Principle of the Path is simple, but it could have a profound effect on your family’s life. The principle is: Your direction determines your destination.
If you’re traveling this summer, a road trip makes for the perfect time to bring this up with your kids. Say something like, “You know one of the great principles of life is just simply, ‘your direction determines your destination.’”
You can even play a little game with it. Turn of your phones and try to have someone navigate to your destination. Even if they have the best intentions, you will not get there if the directions are wrong.
In the same way, help your kids examine their circle of friends. If you become like the people you spend the most time with, what’s the direction that your friends are heading?
Apply the principle to their work in school. If they continue to apply themselves in the direction they are going right now, where will it get them? Where’s the going to get you?
And when it comes to your walk with Jesus, the principle matters even more. How do your intentions match up with your pathway?
Things that have helped me in the right direction for prayer life are:
- Getting up at a consistent time in the morning where I can walk through my neighborhood and reflect
- The PrayerMate app which helped me keep track of my prayers and intentions
These things made prayer seem less difficult and more of a joy.
Think about it in the terms of the Bible’s word for dealing with sin: repentance. Which is simply a change of heart and a change of direction. Just feeling bad about what you did is not enough.
What you need to repent for your sins is a change of direction – from following your own way to following Jesus.
Stop Carrying Other People's Backpacks
Throughout our lives, we use backpacks in school, when we travel, even as a mobile office. Our backpacks carry everything that is important for our day and they can get quite full and heavy.
Your own backpack can get heavy enough on its own. If you start carrying someone else’s too, you could get overwhelmed.
At every part of our life, we all have a load that we are carrying. It could be as small as having proper manners or cleaning your room when you are young. As you get older, the responsibilities grow with you. That’s our individual “backpack.”
Moms often end up carrying other family members’ load when it comes to doing chores just to make sure things get done. But, remember that if you are constantly bailing them out, you aren’t doing them any favors.
If you continually intervene on your kids financial situation, schoolwork, and other aspects of their lifestyle, they will not develop in themselves a sense of responsibility and capability for carry their own load.
However, the Bible also says “bear one another’s burdens.” Think of burdens as boulders. It’s possible for you to pick up a boulder on your own and carry it a little ways, but it’s not possible for you to sustain carrying it for an extended period of time.
In each of our lives, boulders are going to come. We need help to carry these. If someone can take things out of your backpack, they can help you bear the burden a little bit. There are small things that we can do to make their loads a bit lighter, without carry their backpacks for them.