If you’re raising boys, you have an incredible chance to make a difference on this planet because you have the chance to raise the kind of man you want to see in this world. I actually have three chances… probably because God knew I’d need some extra practice! As boy moms, you and I play a critical role in the future of our world.
When we look around, we can easily see the damage that power-hungry, selfish men can have on the world. And this is the case regardless of what country they live in or whether they have political, spiritual, or physical power over us.
Our critical role as moms involves raising the kind of men who will build others up rather than tear them down.
We want:
✔️ Men who will live with integrity
✔️ Men who will treat others with respect and kindness
✔️ Men who will love their families
✔️ Men who speak up for those who are less fortunate
✔️ And most importantly, men who will seek God in humility
Let’s be real, though. It takes a lot of work to get to that point! So what are the things we can realistically give our sons as they’re growing into godly men?
Here are four things I believe a boy needs from his mom at any stage of life:
1. Unconditional love
What’s the first thing a boy needs from his mom? He needs that unconditional love.
I know my boys are going to mess up. One will annoy his siblings, hurt others and tell lies to get out of trouble. Another will be sneaky and disobedient and argue with every single rule. Even the easygoing boy will mess up in mighty ways at some point. He’ll take the lazy way out or refuse to stand up for good because it’s just too hard. If any of these descriptions remind you of your son, it’s because they all struggle with the same basic problem: They’re sinners.
And you know what your boy needs when he messes up?
His mama’s love.
He needs you to keep loving him. Even if you yell a little at first (because let’s be real, sometimes we mess up too), he needs to know that he’s deeply loved. He needs to know that you’ll keep knocking on his door, inviting yourself in, and passing him slices of pizza even when he’s grumpy or obnoxious.
I know that’s hard. Many times I have wanted to huff and stomp away and let my son stew in my rage. But it’s when I am most frustrated with him that he needs my love the most.
On the days you just can’t give it, God has a fount of unconditional love ready to wash over both of you. All you have to do is ask for it.
This is why he reminds us in 1 John 4:19, “we love because he first loved us” (NIV). We don’t inherently have the love our boys need. It comes from God and flows through us.
2. Grace for yourself
Wait, isn’t this an article about what a boy needs from his mom? Why am I talking about grace for yourself?
Because if you don’t give yourself grace, you will have a tough time giving it to your son.
Sometimes in a vulnerable moment, I’ll share this secret with a friend: It was easier to be a good mom when I had 2 boys. I could keep the house clean, bake bread, run the children’s ministry at my church, and exercise regularly. I was gentler, I read more to them, and I felt like I had it (generally) together. Then came the third son, and the addition of another child busted through all of my expectations of what my life should look like. (And don’t get me started about what happened when we got a dog…)
Having kids made me far more aware of my own shortcomings. I wasn’t as tidy as I thought I was. I wasn’t as patient as I thought I was. I wasn’t as fun as I thought I was.
If I’m constantly berating myself for being a bad mom, I’m not going to get better. Instead, I’m going to become self-centered. Being self-centered doesn’t help my boys much, does it?
Through God’s grace, I learned to cut myself some slack. I learned that many moms have anger problems and, through God’s amazing grace and mounds of patience, I learned how to deal with my anger. I learned how to be ok with a messier house so I could spend time playing with my kids. And I learned to be ok with chicken nuggets for dinner sometimes.
There’s an amazing God just waiting to teach you all about grace. So, if you’re struggling in this area, talk to Jesus about it.
3. Patience
Many years ago, I recognized that I was a super impatient person, so I asked God for more patience. The joke was on me though, because God’s way of giving patience isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. I expected him to fill me with unending patience. Instead, he gave me 3 sons to raise!
Turns out, God gives patience by putting us into situations that stretch and strengthen us by forcing us to rely on him.
My boys push, throw, climb, yell, and make messes. If I had a nickel for every time I said “Our house is not a jungle gym” I’d be on a Hawaiian vacation right now.
Patience doesn’t grow on trees, but it is considered a “fruit of the Spirit.” That means as you spend time with God, he will grow the fruit of patience in your life. It’s not instantaneous, but if he can turn me into a patient-enough mom to homeschool my boys all day without screaming, then he’s obviously a miracle worker and can do it with you too.
4. Perseverance
I’m not gonna lie.
You’re going to need grit to raise that boy.
You’ll need perseverance to keep on when he won’t stop climbing on everything in sight, when the rocks in his pocket bang up your washing machine, when there are sticks and grass all over your freshly mopped floor, and when he just won’t stop talking about Minecraft.
You’ll even need perseverance to truly get to know your boy. You can’t become offended when he won’t share his problems. Rather, you will need to find ways to climb over those walls and get into his heart.
Above all, your best teammate in this journey of raising your son is God.
He is the only one who can fill you with unconditional love, grace, patience, and perseverance on the hardest, messiest, noisiest days.
So, when you’re feeling unloving, graceless, impatient, and want to completely give up, give it to God and let him give you what you need.
Only then can you give your son what he needs most from you.
Consider a few extra resources:
- Set healthy boundaries without compromising freedom
- 6 ways to raise boys who feel
- Raising Emotionally Strong Boys, with David Thomas
