Do You Rescue Your Kids from Their Struggle?
Do you rescue your kids from their struggles? Here is one change you can make in your life that will help your kids navigate theirs.
The Importance of Internal Resources
According to Krissy Pozatek in her book “Parallel Process,” kids need their own internal resources to navigate and make sense of life’s challenges. To be more specific, they need to develop those internal resources.
So, what exactly are internal resources? They include things like self-confidence, the belief in oneself to figure things out, and grit, the ability to stick it out when things are hard. Perseverance and endurance are also crucial, enabling individuals to go the distance in the face of discomfort. Finally, the ability to self-soothe when big and small feelings arise is essential. All of these traits are necessary for a fulfilling life.
How Do Kids Develop These Traits?
The answer might be uncomfortable: they have to struggle.
Have you ever seen a chick break through the shell of an egg? If you go to the State Fair, you can watch them struggle to break out when the time is right. According to the dictionary, struggle means to “make a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or constriction.”
The Value of Struggle
None of us like to watch our children struggle. However, what does it do for a child’s character when they have to struggle? Think back to a time when you had to struggle. How did you feel when you overcame it? What did you gain from that experience? For me, many of my struggles birthed confidence. I learned that I could do hard things and make it through tough situations.
Krissy Pozatek points out that if kids grow up in a home where struggle isn’t valued, it hinders their ability to develop the internal resources they need to push through in life. If they aren’t exposed to healthy struggle at home, part of their development is stunted.
Shifting Perspectives on Struggle
One of the biggest reasons I realized I should value struggle is that God does. Throughout the Bible, God uses struggle to accomplish His purposes and, importantly, to form character. He used struggles in the lives of many, including Daniel, Joshua, David, John the Baptist, Stephen, Paul, and even Jesus.
God is okay with His children struggling. It’s part of how He accomplishes His purposes and perfects our faith. He is more concerned with our dependence on Him than with our comfort.
Rethinking How We See Struggle
We need to rethink how we view our kids’ struggles. They must struggle in life. It’s part of our existence, and if we rob them of this ‘rite of passage,’ they risk growing into less capable adults. Isaiah 43:2-3 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”
Practical Steps to Help Your Kids
You can value struggle. Shift to seeing it the way God sees it. Change how you view people when they are struggling. Instead of pity, see the character, inner strength, independence, responsibility, endurance, and perseverance developing within them.
Your kids may resist, but in the end, they will thank you for being a coach, not a helicopter. They will appreciate you for believing in them when they wanted the easy way out and for trusting they could grow into the person God made them to be.
Walking with Your Kids
Be with them in their struggle. Don’t just say, “Go figure it out.” Offer your wisdom and support. Let them know, “I love you, I believe in you, and I’m here to walk alongside you on your journey.”
On the surface, kids want a helicopter to come and rescue them from their circumstances. However, as a professional coach, part of my job is to see what my clients can’t see in themselves. When we are in the midst of our circumstances, we can’t see clearly. It is the job of a coach or parent to envision the person their child can become and call them to it. This means getting down into the hardship and struggle, walking with them through to the other side where endurance, perseverance, grit, and the joy of confidence await.
This is what it means to value struggle.
Consider a few extra resources: