How Do I Deal With Difficult Mother/Daughter Relationships?
In this week’s episode of the Love Where You Are podcast we are continuing in our six week series asking the question: How Do I Deal With This? And today, we will be answering the question: How Do I Deal With Difficult Mother/Daughter Relationships?
Joining me to speak on this topic are author, literary agent and Founder of the Blythe Daniel Agency, Blythe Daniel and her mom, author, counselor and speaker Dr. Helen McIntosh. This amazing mother/daughter duo are the co-authors of Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters and their latest release, I Love You, Mom: Cherished Word Gifts From My Heart to Yours.
As Christians, it is our calling and desire to struggle well and respond to difficult relationships in a way that honors Christ and doesn’t derail our mission, which is ultimately to point others to Him but let’s be honest, that is hard to do when you find yourself in a relationship that is defined by someone else’s dysfunction.
Dr. Helen was raised by a mother whose anger and alcoholism caused frequent strain on their relationship. Even at a young age, and before she knew Christ, Dr. Helen set out on a mission to understand the “why” behind her mother’s behavior and purposed to establish a new approach and legacy of love once her daughter Blythe was born.
Join me for this delightful conversation as Blythe and Dr. Helen share their story, insight and wisdom and encourage listeners with God’s heart and His word as it applies to mother/daughter relationships.
Connect with Blythe on Instagram and Facebook
Connect with Dr. Helen McIntosh on Facebook
Check out all of their resources at ourmendedhearts.com and grab a copy of I Love You, Mom just in time for Mother’s Day!
I’d love to hear your favorite takeaway from today’s show!
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Favorite Takeaways:
“You are just responsible for what’s on your side of the net” - Dr. Helen
I made the mistake of trying to be the fixer
Mom, I long for us to be restored, what do you think we need to do to make things better?
It’s so important to know what your thinking is and how that affects your actions - Blythe
When we can recognize that it’s not about us, it’s not - well, we should have done this or we should have done - a lot of times, it’s that the other person is making the choices and they’re saying the things that affect us but we don’t have to receive that and take it on ourselves
Proverbs 4:23
I bumped her cup, indeed, but what came out were her issues, not mine
Be purposeful in how you teach your children to love and how to ask for forgiveness
Extend grace and keep a fresh account between you
That which you focus on, you become like - Dr. Helen
Keep your eyes off of dysfunction and keep your eyes on the Lord
A way to show respect is to know when is the best time to speak to your loved one
Guard your space and the other person’s time
Renewing can start simply
We are disobeying God when we don’t honor the person He has given us as mother
Throughout the Bible, God is so good to renew relationships….
Intentionality is really where God wants our hearts
Choose to engage with love to build small bridges
Choose love even when you don’t feel loving
Anger is a reaction when we don’t get what we want
When you are working harder in the relationship than the other person, that’s a red flag
Matthew 7
Make sure your side of the net is clear
We need to model good communication.
When we want to get our point across, we are not so great at listening to the other person.
We are geared to go ahead and formulate our answer to something or our next point while someone is talking.
We need to be the one initiating because otherwise it may never happen
As we speak words of life then that reflects back to your own heart
Our ability to love is a function of our relationship with the Lord
Boundaries are healthy ways to protect the relationship
Boundaries help establish the care of the relationship
A healthy boundary life means sometimes you say yes and sometimes you say no
Psalm 23
The blood of the lamb is the anti-venom for the bite of a snake
Ephesians 6
Ephesians 4:29
To put on love, you don’t have to feel it but you can extend it
How Do I Deal With This: When Bad Things Happen to Good People with Rebecca George
Here on the show we do not shy away from the tough questions and today we are diving into a topic that can be really challenging for both Christ followers and non-believers:
The question we are answering is -
How Do I Deal With it when bad things keep happening to good people and for parents listening, how can we even begin to explain this to our children when we as adults don’t have the answer…
Joining me to speak to this topic is my friend, Rebecca George.
Rebecca is an author, speaker, career coach and host of the Radical Radiance podcast. Her ministry seeks to encourage Christian women to radiate the heart of Jesus in everything they do.
In this episode Rebecca and I discuss:
Wrestling with God on why bad things happen to good people
Leaning into His character when we just don’t understand
How to guide your children in the hard questions they face
What it looks like to seek the Comforter over the comfort
The wisdom of when to speak and when to reflect the ministry of presence
This conversation was such a blessing to me and really caused me to think differently in my approach to this question - why do bad things happen to good people - and perhaps consider a different question altogether.
As Rebecca says, let’s go girls…
Connect with Rebecca on Instagram, Facebook and find all of her resources at radianceadicalradiance.live and lastly, be sure to listen to the Radical Radiance podcast
Connect with Somer on Instagram, Facebook and at somercolbert.com
To join Somer’s Ahavah Community click HERE!
FAVORITE TAKEAWAYS:
We’re scared to say the hard thing to our people and we’re scared to say the hard thing to God but what we forget about His character in that is He so intimately knows our hearts
Isaiah 53:3-5 “He is one acquainted with grief”
John 14
Keep in mind as we seek to honor Jesus: We have the Holy Spirit in us as we walk through hard things
Suffering is such a mystery on this side of heaven
It takes such a great deal of humility to acknowledge we do not have all the answers but we do know a lot about about our God
We live under the effects of a broken, fallen, sin-stained world and some of the effects of that include hardship and suffering
What do I know to be true about God?
How do I see His purpose in and through that?
When we try to make sense of it, we are starting from the wrong place
The immutability of God - the unchanging nature of God
Surrender our thoughts, day by day and minute by minute
Remember: You have the mind of Christ, take your thoughts captive
I may not know why, I may not see the fruit of what God is doing through this to bring Himself glory, to further His kingdom but I have an opportunity to show Christ in that daily by my thought life that precedes my actions by the conversations and the way I attempt to honor God in that and see His purposes in it.
We are able to comfort others with the comfort we have received from Him - 2 Corinthians 1:4
Our feelings are real but they’re not always reliable
It’s not about achieving the answers, it’s not about achieving understanding - it’s about walking alongside the One who had the answers from the get go, who allowed these situations to sift through His hand….
The lesson does not come with answers, the lesson comes with trusting the One who is writing our story and guiding us on the journey
If God felt it necessary for us to totally understand suffering and hardship and ‘why do bad things happen to good people’ on this side of eternity, He would have told us.
We know a lot about what we will experience and we know about the promises of God and we have to take those things and hold those things alongside what we experience and say, God I trust you.
Romans 8:18
Questions like these create an opportunity to introduce your child to the mysteries of the Kingdom of God
We don’t have all the answers but we have His Word
Either we teach our children or the world will
It is a gift to teach your children not to rely on answers, not to rely on understanding but to rely on God
That person walking through hard things may not have capacity to carry their story and yours
We take for granted how powerful the ministry of presence can be
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is be there
It’s harder to sit and be than it is to get up and do
How Do I Deal With This: Raising My Kids in Such an Unimaginable Time with Monica Swanson
No matter how old your kids get, you never really stop parenting - and raising the next generation of believers requires confidence, grace and intentionality like never before.
Battles with technology, a culture that is increasingly turning the things of God upside down inside out and an unrelenting assault against the innocence and future of our children can leave parents exhausted, fearful and uncertain in how to navigate it all.
We need Truth, we need counsel and we need an abundance of godly support as we daily take on the battle of raising our children in the Truth and knowledge of the Lord according to scripture.
This week on the Love Where You Are podcast is tackling the question: How Do I Deal With This? Raising My Kids During Such an Unimaginable Time?
Joining me for this conversation today is Monica Swanson. Monica is a blogger, the author of Boy Mom: What Your Son Needs Most From You and the host of the Boy Mom podcast.
This conversation is filled with practical advice, biblical wisdom and encouragement on:
- how to combat the enemy’s attacks against your children
- how to cultivate spiritual health in your home
- how to disciple your sons in biblical masculinity
- how to encourage your children to be confidently countercultural and still filled with grace
Connect with Monica on Instagram and at monicaswanson.com and check out the Boy Mom podcast!
Connect with Somer on Instagram, Facebook and at somercolbert.com
Join Somer's Ahavah Community for weekly updates and resources!
FAVORITE TAKEAWAYS:
When screens began to be central to our lives, everything changed
The option of being elsewhere while being right here
I believe we live in a time that is culturally more antagonistic to the Christian faith and Christian values than ever before
Technology
Cultural antagonism toward the Christian faith
Political correctness
How to cultivate Christ-focused mental health in our homes:
- Know who we are in the big picture
The more healthy we are in our identity we can pass that on to our kids
Our kids are seeing what we’re doing more than they are hearing what we’re saying especially in a culture that is so noisy
How can we disciple our sons in healthy masculinity?
Dads really need to rise up in this time and this is an important place for Dad’s to step up and really teach and model what true masculinity is. We need our men to be strong leaders, to be servant leaders.
I think sometimes we can feel so overwhelmed with the messages of our culture that we forget that there is still a lot of goodness and there are still examples so perhaps some of what we need to do is focus more on the truth and the good and teaching what there is and worry less about being on the defensive
Speak up and call out that emerging little man in front of you - do not think you have to squelch that and help them channel that in a healthy way
Remind them of the importance of being a gentleman
You need to speak these words to your kids before you necessarily feel them:
You’ve got this
You can handle this
I believe in you
The more healthy adventures you give your kids the less likely they are to go seeking adventures in unhealthy places
Mentally healthy moms = mentally healthy kids
There is a blatant attack on the innocence of our children, on the purity of our children and on the future of our children.
How Christian parents can combat the attacks of the enemy on their kids:
- Set boundaries as a family
- Focus more on what your kids can do than what they can’t do
- Be proactive
- Filters on every device
- Phones out of bedrooms at night and put off getting them phones at an early age
Our family culture does not have to look like the average family
Let’s do things as a family that build them up to the point that they’re going to look at the things of this world and just say: I’m not interested
We are digital immigrants as parents so we need to give ourselves grace
Extending grace and love is not the same as affirming or condoning behaviors or choices
It takes energy and intentionality and that’s good parenting
How Do I Deal With This: Mean Girls in the Church with Sarah Geringer
How Do I Deal With Mean Girls in the Church?
Mean girls...ugh.
Did you just cringe a little?
I know, it doesn’t take much of a reminder to drudge up "all the feels" from experiences we’ve all had when it comes to being treated badly by sisters in Christ
But you know what?
We need to talk about this and ask the hard questions like -
- How do I honor Jesus and acknowledge the hurt at the same time?
- How does God want me to forgive and what does that look like when I did not provoke the conflict?
- And why does God allow these things to happen in the first place?
Joining me to speak to this topic is author, speaker and podcaster, Sarah Geringer
Sarah is the author of Transforming Your Thought Life and Transforming Your Thought Life for Teens and she is passionate about this topic!
Get ready to take some notes my friends cuz this conversation covers it all
Connect with Sarah on Instagram and at sarahgeringer.com
Connect with Somer on Instagram and at somercolbert.com
Ready to join Somer's Ahavah Community? Click HERE!
FAVORITE TAKEAWAYS:
People are in different stages of the spiritual growth continuum
Some hurts come from spiritual maturity mismatches
Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys and the New Realities of Girl World by Rosalind Wiseman
When we’re under stress, we go back to acting like Jr High students
Forgiveness is a process
Forgive, Let Go and Live by Deborah Smith Pegue
We have to forgive because it’s a command from the Lord
Take the position of wanting to let go and forgive knowing you have more work to do with God’s help to forgive
Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for unity in the church
Jesus knew the enemy was going to do everything he could to destroy the unity of the church
Satan does not want you in a local body of believers much less a small group
The attacks that you have had from people at church are really from satan - satan using them to attack you
You have to remember that Jesus died for you, to cover your sins, but He also died to cover their sins as well.
They’re not your enemy - they are an image bearer who God loves very much
“This is a battle I face, but in the end Jesus is going to win”
Learn to pour out your feelings to God first, God will then show you which ones need to be dealt with
Honest, gut-level prayers - pray through the Psalms like David did
God just wants us to lay it all out
Get the infection out of your heart
Step back and say - what am I not going to do?
You can glean a lot of good out of a negative situation if you are willing to be courageous and honest enough to wrestle with it in front of God
How to deal with hurt:
- Step back
- Don’t include those who are close to the situation
- Go to the Throne first
- Pursue wise, biblical counsel
The Lord is allowing this situation in you life which means He is offering you opportunity to grow from it
Matthew 18 - the model of how you confront people
There are some people we cannot have relationship with due to toxicity
Romans 12:18
We can’t control what others do but we can control how we respond
Psalm 139:23 (New Living Translation)
Look at personal responsibility
Don’t carry old wounds into new territory
We are all accountable to the Titus 2 model
I need to start from a place where I am being filled with wisdom
Transforming Your Thought Life for Teens by Sarah Geringer
When talking to your kids about their mean girl moments:
- Listen
- Try not to correct
- Say things that are affirming
- Share your own life experiences that are similar
Do not let the devil keep you out of church because of your hurt
How Do I Deal With This: The Purpose of Trials with Frank Viola
I've heard it said:
You are either coming out of a storm, in the middle of a storm or you are going into one.
That's a cheery thought isn't it?
Although frustrating to acknowledge at times, the trials we experience in life should never come as a surprise to us.
Scripture is clear that trials are inevitable this side of heaven.
So, rather than living in dread, how can we as believers and Christian parents prepare ourselves to navigate our trials in such a way that welcomes the opportunity for spiritual growth while also setting an example for our children and others?
In today's episode I am talking with Best-selling author and host of The Insurgence podcast, Frank Viola about his latest release,
Hang On, Let Go: What To Do When Dreams Are Shattered and Life is Falling Apart
Included in today's conversation you will hear Frank and I discuss:
- the healthy Christian mindset in relation to trials
- God's purpose for trials
- how to struggle well through trials
- How we can waste a trial
- What to do when you are in a trial
- How to prepare yourself for the trial to come
- how to minister to others who are experiencing trials
This conversation is packed with Truth from scripture, practical application and points to ponder with the Lord as we seek to grow in our walk and seek to become more like Jesus and lead our children to do the same!
Connect with Frank and check out all of his resources by going to:
Listen to the Insurgence podcast
Download a sample of Hang On, Let Go
Order a copy of Hang On, Let Go
Surviving Your Storm Course with Frank Viola
Connect with Somer on Facebook, Instagram and at somercolbert.com
To receive weekly updates from Somer's Ahavah Community click HERE!
FAVORITE TAKEAWAYS:
Why are we as Christians, so surprised by trials?
1 Peter 4:12
John 16:33
James 1:2
Matthew 8:24
When you’re in a storm, things look out of control.
But they’re never out of control.
The good news is:
Every storm runs out of rain
Every trial has an expiration date
It won’t be in your life forever
It came to pass
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you…
Our Lord has less problem with our problems than we do
The land of regret is not a place that any Christian can afford to live in
If you dwell on your regrets, they will become an anchor that will hold you in the harbor
We can struggle well through inevitable trials
Understand the principle of hanging on and letting go -
Abraham could not hold on to his most prized possession, his son.
He had to let go.
He held on to the promise of God.
He held both together the laying down of Issac’s life and to the promise of God
Common ways we can waste a crisis:
1. Blame other people who are involved in their crisis and they become bitter
(If you allow bitterness to gain ground in your heart, it’s game over. Your spiritual life stops right there and you become toxic to other people)
2. Blame God
(this is a horrible response because you cut yourself off from the very Source of your deliverance and from the One who will bring restoration, healing and joy out of your crisis)
Trials reveal the motivations of our heart in many ways
3. They don’t learn the lessons God is trying to teach them through their crisis
(in every trial and every crisis there are certain things the Lord is aiming at changing)
4. Cast away hope and move into despair
(once you have given up hope and you are in despair, your spiritual life stops as well)
Despair and bitterness are cousins - they are the arch enemies of the Christian
5. Blame yourself and quit on life
It doesn’t matter who brought the trial - God, the devil or you - God will use it the same exact way
The way the Lord uses trials:
- Every time God takes you to a new level in Him, He starts ridding you of some of your baggage
- There are things the Lord wants to remove from your life and mine and storms are designed to remove those very things.
- Storms come to test our hearts and they always expose our spiritual maturity and our commitment to Jesus Christ
- Your confession about what you believe about the Lord and how committed you are to the Lord doesn’t tell me anything. But a good hurricane will tell me everything by how you react.
- Sometimes a storm will show you things about yourself that you are not aware of
- Designed to deepen our intimacy with Jesus Christ
- In every storm we want an explanation but God wants to give us a revelation of His Son
- Our storms will constitute ministry for those who are having a storm of their own
- Our greatest service to other people comes out of our greatest trial - that is, if we don’t waste them.
When you’re in a trial:
Breathe
That worst case scenario has not happened
You’re not alone
Begin the art of living in the present
Beautifully Wrecked: 5 Lessons I Learned From My Adoption Journey
A child taken from our arms, an apology letter to a birth mom on the other side of the world, an overwhelming call to love the fatherless, 9 processes in 10 years and a journey that has changed our family’s life forever.
Hello friends and welcome to the Love Where You Are podcast! My name is Somer Colbert and I am so excited to share this special episode with you today as I welcome the listeners of Christian Parenting to the show!
While I typically host discussions on various topics to encourage growth and spiritually healthy families, today is a much more personal topic. It’s my story. The story of what God used to wreck me so that He could use me. It’s the story of how He chose to grow our family and our faith through adoption. But it’s also the story of how He used difficulty and challenging circumstances to reveal His heart and calling in my life.
We all face difficulty and we all have a choice in how we respond - do we lean in to God or do we walk away? Do we seek Him for the growth He is producing through trials or do we stay complacent and give up.
Adoption nearly wrecked me - until God redeemed the broken parts of my story and changed my heart. He is ready to redeem the difficult parts of your story too.
Join me today as I share the ups and downs and lessons God has taught me along the way!
Connect with Somer on Facebook, Instagram and check out her articles on adoption at somercolbert.com and Hope in Grief!
Want to receive weekly updates and resources? Join the Ahavah Community!
FAVORITE TAKEAWAYS:
When you choose to love a child, that never goes away
God used something so difficult in our lives and He turned it into ministry
The problem was my attitude, my mindset and my approach to my circumstances
I believe now more than ever that the Church needs to step into caring for vulnerable kids in crisis and meet a need by modeling
God’s perfect love for us and what healthy families and relationships look like
We can’t care for the orphans, the fatherless and the vulnerable if we are distracted and consumed by the things of this world
Foster care and adoption are an opportunity to step in and partner with the Lord to heal and take back ground the enemy has stolen.
We as Christian parents are called to incorporate the things of God in every aspect of our lives.
5 Lessons I Learned:
- We are called to be stewards of every child we are given, whether biological or through foster care, adoption, provisional or respite.
- It’s not about fulfilling a want, it’s about meeting a need.
- It is God who creates and builds families
- Parenting is less about changing a child’s behavior and more about changing our response to a child’s behavior.
- God uses difficult seasons and challenges in our lives to mold us to be more like him as He writes a beautiful story for the purpose of showing His love and goodness to others
Genesis 2 and 3
Deuteronomy 6:5-9
James 1:27
- “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”
New Mercies by Paul David Tripp
“In grace He leads you where you didn’t plan to go in order to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own.” ~ Tripp
Our stories are all different but our mission is the same: Love God, love others and share Jesus right where you are!